I have decided to join the world of blogging. How appropriate that I start this adventure on a night I can't sleep. It's currently 3:21 and I have slept approximately 40 minutes (give or take a few). I was actually asleep quite nicely until dear Layla woke up screaming for some unknown reason. It took her an hour to fall back asleep. Therefore I had plenty of time to let my mind wander to various subjects which would lead me to the couch at 3:00am unable to sleep.
Topic number 1 - for which I blame entirely for my insomnia - daycare for Layla.
The day is quickly approaching when I will no longer be the person that Layla spends most of her time with. That thought alone sends me to tears. It's one thing to leave her with family (which I'm sure I wouldn't handle tear-free, either), but something entirely different to be leaving her with strangers. We have found a daycare that we really like. It's a bit more than another place we looked at, but it's literally one block away from the school I'll be working at this year. Convenience was a big factor in choosing this particular daycare. They also have an excellent system set up for infants, toddlers, and preschoolers. I really don't know if we could find anything better.
However, that doesn't seem to console me in times such as tonight. I've figured that I'll be spending approximately 4 hours with her a day...pause for crying...factoring in that she really is going to have to begin going to bed earlier. Next week begins our two-week course at creating some sort of schedule before I go back to work on the 18th....more crying...
4 hours a day! The remainder of her waking moments will be with other adults. I know moms all over have had to deal with this...but that doesn't ease my thoughts one bit. Moms have approached me with their stories on going back to work and I just smile and nod, affirming that I understand that it will be hard at first but it's something I'll get used to. And, yes, I probably will get used to it...but that doesn't change the fact that my precious little girl will be seeing someone else's face more than mine....in someone else's arms more than mine...more crying....
Will she crawl at daycare for the first time? Will her first steps be at daycare? What about her first words? If so, I don't want to know. I'm making it a point to let the adults at the daycare know that they are not to tell me if she did any of those things (unless I've already mentioned that she has done them at home). Ignorance will be bliss if it means I can enjoy her firsts at home without having the ugly knowledge that she actually did it somewhere else first and I didn't witness it.
A part of me wishes we would have been a bit wiser in the first year of our marriage with our finances. Did we really need all this furniture? Did we need to trade my old car for a "new" used one with payments?
I also wish we would have been much more focused on our house. I have said from the beginning I didn't want to have kids in this house...obviously that didn't happen. I would like to move before she is extremely mobile...that is more than likely not going to happen, either. If I just wouldn't have become such a lazy bum when I got home would we already be in a different house?
But had we been wiser with our finances...and had we kicked butt on the house....would I be in a position where I could stay home full-time? I will never know. So here comes the part where I tell myself I can't live in "what-ifs". It's something I need to work on.
I guess I just have to hold out hope that sending her to daycare won't be a turn for the worse. I know, I know, kids turn out perfectly fine after being in daycare...I went to daycare. I guess I'm hoping more that it won't be a turn for the worse for me. I'm also holding out hope that after a year of both of us bringing in two full-time incomes once again that we are in a better position for me to stay home...or try for a part-time teaching position...the following year.
Ideally I would love to be a stay-at-home mom until all our kids are in school.
I've been saying that my desire to move currently outweighs my desire to stay home with Layla. However, it's times like tonight that I'm not sure if that is true. Maybe that's what I've convinced myself to be true simply to help me deal with her being in daycare all day.
It's 4:10am and I'm now hungry on top of being wide awake. I think I'll try a cup of warm milk...although it's been long enough now that Layla will surely wake up to eat by the time I fall asleep.
Details on the other topics that have kept me awake will have to wait until the next time I post...but I'll leave you with the topics themselves in case you're interested.
Topic 2 - Enrolling Layla part-time in order to save a few bucks
Topic 3 - Masters Swimming...which ultimately leads back to Topic 1
I'll also post a more recent picture...the one above is a month and a half old.
