When it Rains, it Pours

Not that anything I'm about to mention is extremely drastic (at least at this moment), but it all came within 30-45 minutes and I was overwhelmed.

First - Layla lost a couple of ounces. I had just let go of worrying about her weight. I was confident everything was fine. She ate like a pig over break! I also know that she is very happy & active. I was okay with "petite" being normal for her. However, I was not at all prepared for a loss! In fact, we had an actual appointment scheduled with the doctor on Wednesday that we cancelled b/c we thought everything was fine. Don't worry...the doctor gave us permission to cancel a few weeks ago when we went in for her fever and she had gained a few ounces. Therefore, the doctors weren't there when we went in. The nurse informed us they would have to let the doctor know of the loss (I knew they would). I'm now waiting for the phone call to see what happens from here...

Second - Without going into details, moving to find teaching jobs elsewhere is apparently not even an option (near or distant future).

Third - This one was the kicker. I was composed for the aforementioned news...this one set me over. I received an email from a doula here in Indiana stating that it's hard to find a hospital that allows you to try a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Let me start by stating that I am not pregnant. :-) Jeremy and I are thinking about trying again very soon, though. Let me create a timeline. A few weeks ago I sent an email out to several local doulas asking what they do and told them about my experience with Layla's birth. On Monday I called to ask my doctor if he allows VBACs. I left a message at the nurses' station and they returned with a message stating that he really doesn't. In the two years this particular nurse has worked with him, she's only known him to do one. I have a consultation with him Wednesday to discuss the issue. The email from the doula caused me to lose almost all hope. I could write a 3-page essay on my thoughts/reasons for trying a VBAC - I will attempt to summarize in several statements/questions. These were running amok in my head for about a month or two after having Layla and only pop up every so often. They have recently resurfaced and seem to be lingering quite a bit more. I understand that most of these statements and questions are "what ifs" and I can't change what happened...but I can't hide the fact that they're playing a huge role in my emotional state.
* I'm upset with myself for deciding on an induction
* I'm upset that I didn't ask more questions before hand
* Why did my water have to be broken so soon after starting pitocin?
* Why didn't I speak up and ask when I knew that was about to happen even though the questions were running through my head?
* I'm frustrated at the hospital for not letting me walk around during labor
* I repeat, I'm very upset (and was at the time!) that I couldn't walk around - other hospitals allow walking even though the woman is on a pitocin drip
* Was it ABSOLUTELY necessary to not wait any longer and a c-section was now the only option?
* I regret not getting a second opinion about my "narrow pelvic bone"
* Why did I only just find out about this "problem" 30 weeks into my pregnancy?

Here are my hopes:
* I find a doctor who will let me attempt a VBAC
* I don't fall to the pressures of being induced - I have already told Jeremy to not let me (despite how uncomfortable I may be)
- If it's medically necessary, that's another story
* I have an active labor (walking, etc.)
* I find a hospital that will let me try (I am willing to drive to Indy if necessary...does that sound ridiculous?)

-My aunt had a VBAC 14 years ago! Her c-section was due to her first being a "footling" which is a different circumstance than me, but surely someone will let me try.

I feel as though I was robbed of one of the most beautiful experiences a woman can have. I just want the opportunity to try. I've read the pros & cons. If I do have the opportunity to try...and it turns out that the next baby is absolutely stuck and can't make it through, and a c-section is necessary, I will be okay with that. I won't be happy, but I will be okay. If I'm told I can never try...there will be all these regrets floating around in my head that I'd rather not have. Up until this moment, I can't recall a single regret. I know I will just always wonder what would have happened if I would have done a little more on my part before, spoke up, etc.