I have realized tonight that I can't remember Layla as a baby. I try. I remember the first night at home. I remember trying to get her to sleep those first few weeks. I remember her 1st birthday and how she toddled around. But I can't remember just holding her (which I know I did a ton of!). I can't recall the feel of her little body in my arms. I can't picture her crawling around, her baby talk, pulling up.
If only life were on constant record. If only I could rewind and view what has been.
I'm looking at her 2-year pictures and wondering how in the world she's gotten so big.
I'm looking at Piper's 3-month pictures and am sad that I won't remember this stage of her life, either.
I know each stage of life is precious. We're in such a sweet, fun stage right now. I honestly wouldn't change it. I'd love to just pause our life and stay here for a little while longer.
Just tonight I was rocking Layla before putting her to bed and sat there longer than normal simply taking in the moment - the two of us singing together. Rock-a-bye, baby; Baa, Baa Black Sheep; Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star; I Love You Lord; It Is Well With My Soul. The sound of her two-year-old voice singing the words in a normal, not hushed night-time voice, and just being so relaxed in my arms. Not quite getting the point of rhythm and speeding through lines she knows super well. Being quiet just to hear her mommy sing (off-key and all). Not sensing me stifling my chuckles of joy as I listen and enjoy her songs. Hearing her whisper, "I love you, Mommy" after giving me a big hug and kiss before resting her head on her pillow. Telling me, "Thank you, Mommy" as I place her blanket over her.
But I want to have a stronger grasp on the past, too.
Pictures are good. Lord knows I have plenty of those! If I'd just get them off my darn computer and into an album.
But there's something special about just being able to pull a memory from your head and reliving it at a moment's notice. I want that! I want more!
Maybe I'm just too stressed and tired right now to be able to do that. Oh how I wish! I fear that's not the case, though. So I will have to be okay with the pictures I have, the few fleeting memories I can hold on to, and try to savor each moment before they quickly fade away.
I completely understand now why my dad used to always say, "I tried telling you girls to stop growing and you never listened."
If I can't get them to stop growing, I'd at least like a pause, please.
3 comments:
Oh, Jess...I am sitting here reading this with tears in my eyes. I realized already today that I often rush through Abigail's bedtime because I'm so tired and ready for some "non-kid" time in the day. And I just keep looking at Sadie and trying to remember these moments with Abigail, but I don't. I totally get this. It puts things in perspective, to enjoy them now, because they aren't this way for long.
I so understand what you are saying! It really bugs me that I can't remember the time right after Ellie's birth. I can't remember what we did all day before Ellie could walk and talk. This is such a sweet time and I keep telling myself that I am going to miss it. Keep trying to will myself to remember every minute. However, it doesn't always work that way. I have resolved to use my video camera more often. :-) But I know that someday I will go back and watch it and cry.
Blogging will help you remember so put anything here that you do not want to forget. Linda Jones
Post a Comment