I have to admit, now that the evening is drawing to a close, I am feeling a bit nervous...no, anxious...about going to school tomorrow.
It's not because I feel like something terrible is going to happen. Not at all.
It's the questions/comments/conversations that might happen with the sweet little faces I will come across this week. I will not start any conversation. But how do I respond to a student's question? What do I do/say if I hear students speaking of the horrors amongst themselves? I haven't even thought about it. I think because I don't want to think about it.
It's seeing a uniformed officer walking the halls of the school...an elementary school. It will be a very in-my-face reminder of what happened and how life has changed. It will force me to think about it.
It's the 1st graders who will enter the library. Will I keep myself composed? I think so. Although I have been known to cry in front of students before (reading The Giver out loud does it every time). I've been forcing thoughts/images out of my mind all weekend. I've been working at not visualizing the 1st graders I know facing such horrific circumstances.
All weekend I've had this deep desire to hug each student (and I am blessed to see every student in the school each week). I won't get to do this, of course. At least not every student. But one of the things I love about the move to elementary is all of the hugs. I get hugs every day. Not every student hugs. And that is okay. But those students who do reach out and hug me this week, I will hang on to that hug a bit longer than I did last week.
The hugs & smiles. That is what I will focus on.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
A Day Like Any Other
This morning started as any other.
We were rushing around to get ourselves and the kids ready and out the door on time. Unfortunately, we were about 10 minutes behind schedule. Being in a new school this year with a bit of a drive, I cannot afford running that behind.
So, as it were, I was not in the best of moods when I turned on the van and saw the time. I will go ahead and throw in the fact that I have been waking up more tired than usual this week and this morning was no exception. Probably not helping my mood. Add to this, Piper was hysterically (okay, maybe not that extreme but I was already on edge, remember?) crying/yelling about her buckle.
Let me point out that she buckles herself. If she ever has issues, it's with the bottom two connections. Jeremy had taken care of the bottom for her since we were late, so all she had to do was snap the chest connection. I have NO idea why she was flipping out about this. But I was not wasting any more time, so off I drove.
The hysterics continued.
My harsh tone began.
And increased.
Into yelling.
She was not stopping.
Again, remember, I was already on edge. I finally slammed on the brakes and pulled to the side of the road. In doing so, my large, 32oz. water mug fell and spilled everywhere. GREAT! Just what I needed! I opened Piper's door and the passenger door and proceeded to clean up the watery mess first in an attempt to salvage items from getting too wet.
At some point, Piper quieted. As I finished wiping up the last of the drops that I could see in the darkness, I heard Piper's belt click. Why couldn't she have done this earlier?!?!
Without a word, I closed both doors and walked around the van simultaneously ripping off my jacket because I was now a hot mess. I threw it in, yelled out to Jeremy (who had asked if I was okay) something to the effect of "NO! I'm pissed! At Piper!" and slammed the door.
I drove off and the van was silent. Well, Barrett let out the occasional squawk. I told Piper I was disappointed and upset and that crying over a seat belt is a silly thing to cry over.
Silence.
By the time we arrived to the daycare, we were both calmer. Well, until she started crying about her jacket as I was trying to rush her out of the van. Then she was crying for me as I dropped her off. Ugh. I closed the door and watched her outstretched hands disappear.
I was heading to work and just couldn't stop thinking about the events that had just unfolded. I was still in a mood. Still watching the clock as I reached little "checkpoints" along my route to work. Still frustrated about anything and everything.
But at some point I found myself wanting to call up the daycare and speak to Piper over the phone to apologize about yelling at her. But I didn't. I had reasons why then, but I can't really recall them now.
And then WBGL, the radio station that plays nonstop Christmas music this time of year, played the song "Mary Did You Know?" This is one of my all-time favorite Christmas songs. I have fond memories of a lady at the church I attended in high school singing this song each year. I have heard it many, many times. I'm sure I have heard it since being a mother. However, this morning I heard it anew.
And I was a blubbery mess.
A rush of thoughts and emotions flooded me. Most I can't put in words. But I did continually tell myself, "what an irrational reaction that was for me to get so upset about Piper's little fit...a fit that was no different than most others she's been throwing as of late...a simple buckle issue that could so easily be resolved with calm talking as I have done a hundred times in the past...what an irrational reaction for me to have."
I continued to sob.
The song continued to play.
These kids are such a blessing to me. And even though I know my kids are not The Messiah, I kept being reminded of the fact that they are destined to do great things. They have a purpose. They were created by God. They were given to me to take care of. "Jessica, did you know that you baby girl, will someday _______?"
And I wept.
All the way to school.
I had to sit in my van a bit to compose myself. At that point I didn't care if I was late. There are more important things in life.
I also kept thinking that perhaps I was MEANT to be late today. Perhaps I was meant to be in the van at that exact moment to hear that song. God knew it would speak to me in a way it never had before. God knew what I needed to hear this morning. And he knew I needed to learn a lesson or two in the process.
I was feeling better.
I even shared with a dear, sweet, co-worker who, unknowingly, has been a blessing to me this year with her never-ending supply of smiles and good cheer despite some horrible circumstances in her own life...I shared with her briefly about my drive to work. It's nice to have someone at work to talk to in such a personal way (but not too personal, let's not get carried away here!). I haven't had that in awhile. Maybe never. These new co-workers are all just such a blessing to me. But perhaps that's for a different blog.
And then I heard the news. Tragic, horrific, inexplicable, unimaginable news.
And I wept. I walked into my library (thankfully empty of kids) and wept. And sobbed.
I returned something to the cafeteria and hugged and wept with another sweet lady.
Because, you know...
This morning started as any other in Connecticut, too.
On the drive home from work I found myself sobbing in my van once again.
But I was on my way to pick up my kids. I was on my way to receiving their unconditional love.
And as I sobbed, I wondered...
How many parents of those little 6 & 7 year-olds had a morning like mine?
How many parents thought about saying one last thing to their child but didn't? For reasons now that they cannot remember.
How many words were spoken in anger or frustration that now seem so unbelievably irrational and wrong...but can never be corrected through apologies or hugs or kisses?
It sounds cliche, but I did hug my children tighter this evening. Or at least with more intention.
I watched them play and laugh with each other and tried to soak in the moment. I even pulled out the video camera to capture it.
And I cried. Not in front of them. Moments when they weren't looking or I was in a separate room. Tears just appeared.
I cannot begin to fathom what those parents, family members, friends, community members are going through. I can't imagine what kind of pain they are in.
And I really just have no words.
Then I sat down to my computer and saw this blog that someone I knew for a brief time in 2002 wrote.
And I am afforded a sliver of peace.
A bit of hope.
Because God wept today.
We were rushing around to get ourselves and the kids ready and out the door on time. Unfortunately, we were about 10 minutes behind schedule. Being in a new school this year with a bit of a drive, I cannot afford running that behind.
So, as it were, I was not in the best of moods when I turned on the van and saw the time. I will go ahead and throw in the fact that I have been waking up more tired than usual this week and this morning was no exception. Probably not helping my mood. Add to this, Piper was hysterically (okay, maybe not that extreme but I was already on edge, remember?) crying/yelling about her buckle.
Let me point out that she buckles herself. If she ever has issues, it's with the bottom two connections. Jeremy had taken care of the bottom for her since we were late, so all she had to do was snap the chest connection. I have NO idea why she was flipping out about this. But I was not wasting any more time, so off I drove.
The hysterics continued.
My harsh tone began.
And increased.
Into yelling.
She was not stopping.
Again, remember, I was already on edge. I finally slammed on the brakes and pulled to the side of the road. In doing so, my large, 32oz. water mug fell and spilled everywhere. GREAT! Just what I needed! I opened Piper's door and the passenger door and proceeded to clean up the watery mess first in an attempt to salvage items from getting too wet.
At some point, Piper quieted. As I finished wiping up the last of the drops that I could see in the darkness, I heard Piper's belt click. Why couldn't she have done this earlier?!?!
Without a word, I closed both doors and walked around the van simultaneously ripping off my jacket because I was now a hot mess. I threw it in, yelled out to Jeremy (who had asked if I was okay) something to the effect of "NO! I'm pissed! At Piper!" and slammed the door.
I drove off and the van was silent. Well, Barrett let out the occasional squawk. I told Piper I was disappointed and upset and that crying over a seat belt is a silly thing to cry over.
Silence.
By the time we arrived to the daycare, we were both calmer. Well, until she started crying about her jacket as I was trying to rush her out of the van. Then she was crying for me as I dropped her off. Ugh. I closed the door and watched her outstretched hands disappear.
I was heading to work and just couldn't stop thinking about the events that had just unfolded. I was still in a mood. Still watching the clock as I reached little "checkpoints" along my route to work. Still frustrated about anything and everything.
But at some point I found myself wanting to call up the daycare and speak to Piper over the phone to apologize about yelling at her. But I didn't. I had reasons why then, but I can't really recall them now.
And then WBGL, the radio station that plays nonstop Christmas music this time of year, played the song "Mary Did You Know?" This is one of my all-time favorite Christmas songs. I have fond memories of a lady at the church I attended in high school singing this song each year. I have heard it many, many times. I'm sure I have heard it since being a mother. However, this morning I heard it anew.
And I was a blubbery mess.
A rush of thoughts and emotions flooded me. Most I can't put in words. But I did continually tell myself, "what an irrational reaction that was for me to get so upset about Piper's little fit...a fit that was no different than most others she's been throwing as of late...a simple buckle issue that could so easily be resolved with calm talking as I have done a hundred times in the past...what an irrational reaction for me to have."
I continued to sob.
The song continued to play.
These kids are such a blessing to me. And even though I know my kids are not The Messiah, I kept being reminded of the fact that they are destined to do great things. They have a purpose. They were created by God. They were given to me to take care of. "Jessica, did you know that you baby girl, will someday _______?"
And I wept.
All the way to school.
I had to sit in my van a bit to compose myself. At that point I didn't care if I was late. There are more important things in life.
I also kept thinking that perhaps I was MEANT to be late today. Perhaps I was meant to be in the van at that exact moment to hear that song. God knew it would speak to me in a way it never had before. God knew what I needed to hear this morning. And he knew I needed to learn a lesson or two in the process.
I was feeling better.
I even shared with a dear, sweet, co-worker who, unknowingly, has been a blessing to me this year with her never-ending supply of smiles and good cheer despite some horrible circumstances in her own life...I shared with her briefly about my drive to work. It's nice to have someone at work to talk to in such a personal way (but not too personal, let's not get carried away here!). I haven't had that in awhile. Maybe never. These new co-workers are all just such a blessing to me. But perhaps that's for a different blog.
And then I heard the news. Tragic, horrific, inexplicable, unimaginable news.
And I wept. I walked into my library (thankfully empty of kids) and wept. And sobbed.
I returned something to the cafeteria and hugged and wept with another sweet lady.
Because, you know...
This morning started as any other in Connecticut, too.
On the drive home from work I found myself sobbing in my van once again.
But I was on my way to pick up my kids. I was on my way to receiving their unconditional love.
And as I sobbed, I wondered...
How many parents of those little 6 & 7 year-olds had a morning like mine?
How many parents thought about saying one last thing to their child but didn't? For reasons now that they cannot remember.
How many words were spoken in anger or frustration that now seem so unbelievably irrational and wrong...but can never be corrected through apologies or hugs or kisses?
It sounds cliche, but I did hug my children tighter this evening. Or at least with more intention.
I watched them play and laugh with each other and tried to soak in the moment. I even pulled out the video camera to capture it.
And I cried. Not in front of them. Moments when they weren't looking or I was in a separate room. Tears just appeared.
I cannot begin to fathom what those parents, family members, friends, community members are going through. I can't imagine what kind of pain they are in.
And I really just have no words.
Then I sat down to my computer and saw this blog that someone I knew for a brief time in 2002 wrote.
And I am afforded a sliver of peace.
A bit of hope.
Because God wept today.
Monday, January 30, 2012
I Am Blessed
I wrote this tonight as a quick reminder to myself for those times when I find myself overly stressed or down or frustrated at seeing the lives of others seeming so simple and carefree...those times when I think, "if only I stayed at home..."
************
I am blessed. Plain and simple.
It's too easy to lose sight of that sometimes. So what if my house is a disaster (12x whatever you're imagining) and home-cooked meals are not as frequent as I would like? I have 3 beautiful, healthy kids. I have a wonderful husband. I have a warm house. I get to influence 100+ kids every day. I get to spend time teaching kids the love of theater each day after school. I have the opportunity to further my education.
My life is full. What other way is there to live? I would much rather know that I'm spending each day making the lives of others better and not just my own. No, Jessica, the world does not revolve around you and your family. It is okay to live in a house that is nowhere near perfect...that is not open to the public at any time. It is okay not to have multi-dish meals. It is okay.
I am blessed. Plain and simple.
************
I am blessed. Plain and simple.
It's too easy to lose sight of that sometimes. So what if my house is a disaster (12x whatever you're imagining) and home-cooked meals are not as frequent as I would like? I have 3 beautiful, healthy kids. I have a wonderful husband. I have a warm house. I get to influence 100+ kids every day. I get to spend time teaching kids the love of theater each day after school. I have the opportunity to further my education.
My life is full. What other way is there to live? I would much rather know that I'm spending each day making the lives of others better and not just my own. No, Jessica, the world does not revolve around you and your family. It is okay to live in a house that is nowhere near perfect...that is not open to the public at any time. It is okay not to have multi-dish meals. It is okay.
I am blessed. Plain and simple.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Technology in the Classroom
So I have a million things I want to blog about each day, and I simply don't have the time. One of these days (perhaps after grad school!) I'll have more time to sit and write. It's a shame because I know I'm missing out on recording precious moments that I'll soon forget. Oh, well...I guess if I've forgotten I won't know the sweetness I'm missing in memories, right?
Today I'm quickly blogging about an opportunity you have to invest in children. I teach middle school English and literature. Fun, right? Not according to about 99% of kids. :-) Seriously. If you think back to your middle school, what subject did you enjoy most? Science? P.E.? Most do not say English. I understand. I don't have fond memories of my English classes in middle school, either.
I want that to change! One way I can do that is by incorporating technology into my teaching and into the activities I create for my students. How better to engage them in the learning process than to meet them where they'd rather be...playing around with all the great new things of today. My boring old classroom with an overhead projector is just not cutting it!
I have set up a project at DonorsChoose.org in hopes to get a few things to beef up the technology in our classroom. I'm specifically looking to get a netbook (with Microsoft Office), digital camera/video recorder, and a color printer. The possibilities with these tools are endless!!
Here's the neat part. Anyone can donate to my project! $1-???? The choice is yours. Every little bit helps.
What's even better is that now through midnight on Monday, December 12 (5 more days!) all donations will be MATCHED!!!! You simply have to use the match code SPARK when checking out.
How exciting!!
Will you consider investing in the education of my students (both now and those in the future) by donating to my project? Will you help lead the way with getting technology into the classroom? Will you be a part of bringing opportunities to students that will engage them in the learning process...that will meet the needs of those students who thrive when they can get hands-on in a variety of ways?
Will you help me provide opportunities for those students who otherwise wouldn't have the chance to learn & use such "basic" technologies until they're much older while, in turn, keeping them from falling more and more behind their peers?
www.donorschoose.org/mrs.johnson.wwms
Don't forget to use the match code "SPARK" when checking out!
Also...if you want your entire donation to go towards the project, make sure you exclude the optional 15% donation to DonorsChoose that, despite being optional, is automatically applied. Each project already has 15% of the total product cost tacked on to the end so DonorsChoose is still making $ off my project. I'm not opposed to this because they are providing a wonderful service for teachers. However, I don't see the need to get 15% from the project as well as from each individual donor. Just my humble opinion. You donate as you feel led.
Thank you in advance for your consideration!
Today I'm quickly blogging about an opportunity you have to invest in children. I teach middle school English and literature. Fun, right? Not according to about 99% of kids. :-) Seriously. If you think back to your middle school, what subject did you enjoy most? Science? P.E.? Most do not say English. I understand. I don't have fond memories of my English classes in middle school, either.
I want that to change! One way I can do that is by incorporating technology into my teaching and into the activities I create for my students. How better to engage them in the learning process than to meet them where they'd rather be...playing around with all the great new things of today. My boring old classroom with an overhead projector is just not cutting it!
I have set up a project at DonorsChoose.org in hopes to get a few things to beef up the technology in our classroom. I'm specifically looking to get a netbook (with Microsoft Office), digital camera/video recorder, and a color printer. The possibilities with these tools are endless!!
Here's the neat part. Anyone can donate to my project! $1-???? The choice is yours. Every little bit helps.
What's even better is that now through midnight on Monday, December 12 (5 more days!) all donations will be MATCHED!!!! You simply have to use the match code SPARK when checking out.
How exciting!!
Will you consider investing in the education of my students (both now and those in the future) by donating to my project? Will you help lead the way with getting technology into the classroom? Will you be a part of bringing opportunities to students that will engage them in the learning process...that will meet the needs of those students who thrive when they can get hands-on in a variety of ways?
Will you help me provide opportunities for those students who otherwise wouldn't have the chance to learn & use such "basic" technologies until they're much older while, in turn, keeping them from falling more and more behind their peers?
www.donorschoose.org/mrs.johnson.wwms
Don't forget to use the match code "SPARK" when checking out!
Also...if you want your entire donation to go towards the project, make sure you exclude the optional 15% donation to DonorsChoose that, despite being optional, is automatically applied. Each project already has 15% of the total product cost tacked on to the end so DonorsChoose is still making $ off my project. I'm not opposed to this because they are providing a wonderful service for teachers. However, I don't see the need to get 15% from the project as well as from each individual donor. Just my humble opinion. You donate as you feel led.
Thank you in advance for your consideration!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have a job where you can go to the bathroom when you need to...and not be given a time-limit when you do.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have a job where you can relax and enjoy your lunch - perhaps even getting out of the building to eat - instead of scarfing it down in 15 minutes after waiting in line for the microwave.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be able to sit at your desk quietly to get your work done.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to leave work when your shift is over or your business closes its doors...when your paid time is up.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be able to simply do the job your title proclaims instead of having to do a million other things in order to even get to that point.
Sometimes I wonder if the outside world thinks about these aspects of my profession.
But mostly I wonder what it's like to have a job where you can go to the bathroom when you need to.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have a job where you can relax and enjoy your lunch - perhaps even getting out of the building to eat - instead of scarfing it down in 15 minutes after waiting in line for the microwave.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be able to sit at your desk quietly to get your work done.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to leave work when your shift is over or your business closes its doors...when your paid time is up.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be able to simply do the job your title proclaims instead of having to do a million other things in order to even get to that point.
Sometimes I wonder if the outside world thinks about these aspects of my profession.
But mostly I wonder what it's like to have a job where you can go to the bathroom when you need to.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Are You Serious?!
Barrett is six weeks old,
I'm nursing exclusively,
And I'm having a period!
Not cool!!
I'm nursing exclusively,
And I'm having a period!
Not cool!!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Operation 50-30
Operation 50-30 begins today.
Simply put, it's my plan to lose 50lbs by the time I'm 30.
There are 32 weeks (and 2 days) until my 30th birthday. That's roughly 1.5lbs/week. Completely doable.
I know some weeks I'll lose more and others I'll lose less, but hopefully I can average 1.5 I pounds a week.
I have approximately 30 pounds on me that I didn't have before getting pregnant with Layla. I kept about 10 pounds/pregnancy. Lovely. My thinking, then, is that those 30 pounds will be "easier" to lose than the last 20. I don't believe there will be anything easy about it, but for lack of a better word, I think the first 30 will come off a bit quicker. The fact that I have 10 weeks of summer should help, too. Should. I say this because just as I have more time to get up and move, I have just as much time to sit on my butt and veg. It's definitely going to be as much of a mental journey as it is a physical one.
Therefore, I have created the following goals to keep me on track to complete Operation 50-30:
July 1 - down 8 pounds
July 29 - down 16 pounds
Aug. 26 - down 24 pounds
Sep. 30 - down 31 pounds*
Oct. 28 - down 37 pounds
Nov. 23 - down 41 pounds
Dec. 30 - down 46 pounds**
Jan. 13 - down 50 pounds!!!!***
If I can muster up enough courage, I may post this in terms of actual weight. I'm not sure I'm that brave yet. I do have it figured out and written down for myself, though.
I've been saying for nearly a year now that I'm looking forward to my 30s for the mere fact that my body will once again be my own. By the time I'm 30 (a few months past, actually), I will have spent 5 consecutive years of my life either pregnant or nursing. 5 years!! Don't get me wrong, I have very much enjoyed experiencing and being a part of the miracle of life. I am beyond blessed that God has entrusted me with three children!! I wouldn't change the past 5 years for anything. We have many different stages in life. This has been a wonderful stage. I am just comfortable in admitting I'm also looking forward to the next stage.
So...what better way to celebrate entering a new decade and a new stage in life than being 50 pounds lighter?!?!
And so it begins...Operation 50-30!
* back to pre-pregnancies weight! I've not been here since May 2007
** last seen the summer of 2005 (with the help of Weight Watchers)
*** I don't remember the last time I was here on my own accord. This is actually probably close to my wedding weight (July 2004).
Simply put, it's my plan to lose 50lbs by the time I'm 30.
There are 32 weeks (and 2 days) until my 30th birthday. That's roughly 1.5lbs/week. Completely doable.
I know some weeks I'll lose more and others I'll lose less, but hopefully I can average 1.5 I pounds a week.
I have approximately 30 pounds on me that I didn't have before getting pregnant with Layla. I kept about 10 pounds/pregnancy. Lovely. My thinking, then, is that those 30 pounds will be "easier" to lose than the last 20. I don't believe there will be anything easy about it, but for lack of a better word, I think the first 30 will come off a bit quicker. The fact that I have 10 weeks of summer should help, too. Should. I say this because just as I have more time to get up and move, I have just as much time to sit on my butt and veg. It's definitely going to be as much of a mental journey as it is a physical one.
Therefore, I have created the following goals to keep me on track to complete Operation 50-30:
July 1 - down 8 pounds
July 29 - down 16 pounds
Aug. 26 - down 24 pounds
Sep. 30 - down 31 pounds*
Oct. 28 - down 37 pounds
Nov. 23 - down 41 pounds
Dec. 30 - down 46 pounds**
Jan. 13 - down 50 pounds!!!!***
If I can muster up enough courage, I may post this in terms of actual weight. I'm not sure I'm that brave yet. I do have it figured out and written down for myself, though.
I've been saying for nearly a year now that I'm looking forward to my 30s for the mere fact that my body will once again be my own. By the time I'm 30 (a few months past, actually), I will have spent 5 consecutive years of my life either pregnant or nursing. 5 years!! Don't get me wrong, I have very much enjoyed experiencing and being a part of the miracle of life. I am beyond blessed that God has entrusted me with three children!! I wouldn't change the past 5 years for anything. We have many different stages in life. This has been a wonderful stage. I am just comfortable in admitting I'm also looking forward to the next stage.
So...what better way to celebrate entering a new decade and a new stage in life than being 50 pounds lighter?!?!
And so it begins...Operation 50-30!
* back to pre-pregnancies weight! I've not been here since May 2007
** last seen the summer of 2005 (with the help of Weight Watchers)
*** I don't remember the last time I was here on my own accord. This is actually probably close to my wedding weight (July 2004).
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