A Day Like Any Other

This morning started as any other.

We were rushing around to get ourselves and the kids ready and out the door on time. Unfortunately, we were about 10 minutes behind schedule. Being in a new school this year with a bit of a drive, I cannot afford running that behind.

So, as it were, I was not in the best of moods when I turned on the van and saw the time. I will go ahead and throw in the fact that I have been waking up more tired than usual this week and this morning was no exception. Probably not helping my mood. Add to this, Piper was hysterically (okay, maybe not that extreme but I was already on edge, remember?) crying/yelling about her buckle.

Let me point out that she buckles herself. If she ever has issues, it's with the bottom two connections. Jeremy had taken care of the bottom for her since we were late, so all she had to do was snap the chest connection. I have NO idea why she was flipping out about this. But I was not wasting any more time, so off I drove.

The hysterics continued.

My harsh tone began.

And increased.

Into yelling.

She was not stopping.

Again, remember, I was already on edge. I finally slammed on the brakes and pulled to the side of the road. In doing so, my large, 32oz. water mug fell and spilled everywhere. GREAT! Just what I needed! I opened Piper's door and the passenger door and proceeded to clean up the watery mess first in an attempt to salvage items from getting too wet.

At some point, Piper quieted. As I finished wiping up the last of the drops that I could see in the darkness, I heard Piper's belt click. Why couldn't she have done this earlier?!?!

Without a word, I closed both doors and walked around the van simultaneously ripping off my jacket because I was now a hot mess. I threw it in, yelled out to Jeremy (who had asked if I was okay) something to the effect of "NO! I'm pissed! At Piper!" and slammed the door.

I drove off and the van was silent. Well, Barrett let out the occasional squawk. I told Piper I was disappointed and upset and that crying over a seat belt is a silly thing to cry over.

Silence.

By the time we arrived to the daycare, we were both calmer. Well, until she started crying about her jacket as I was trying to rush her out of the van. Then she was crying for me as I dropped her off. Ugh. I closed the door and watched her outstretched hands disappear.

I was heading to work and just couldn't stop thinking about the events that had just unfolded. I was still in a mood. Still watching the clock as I reached little "checkpoints" along my route to work. Still frustrated about anything and everything.

But at some point I found myself wanting to call up the daycare and speak to Piper over the phone to apologize about yelling at her. But I didn't. I had reasons why then, but I can't really recall them now.

And then WBGL, the radio station that plays nonstop Christmas music this time of year, played the song "Mary Did You Know?" This is one of my all-time favorite Christmas songs. I have fond memories of a lady at the church I attended in high school singing this song each year. I have heard it many, many times. I'm sure I have heard it since being a mother. However, this morning I heard it anew.

And I was a blubbery mess.

A rush of thoughts and emotions flooded me. Most I can't put in words. But I did continually tell myself, "what an irrational reaction that was for me to get so upset about Piper's little fit...a fit that was no different than most others she's been throwing as of late...a simple buckle issue that could so easily be resolved with calm talking as I have done a hundred times in the past...what an irrational reaction for me to have."

I continued to sob.

The song continued to play.

These kids are such a blessing to me. And even though I know my kids are not The Messiah, I kept being reminded of the fact that they are destined to do great things. They have a purpose. They were created by God. They were given to me to take care of. "Jessica, did you know that you baby girl, will someday _______?"

And I wept.

All the way to school.

I had to sit in my van a bit to compose myself. At that point I didn't care if I was late. There are more important things in life.

I also kept thinking that perhaps I was MEANT to be late today. Perhaps I was meant to be in the van at that exact moment to hear that song. God knew it would speak to me in a way it never had before. God knew what I needed to hear this morning. And he knew I needed to learn a lesson or two in the process.

I was feeling better.

I even shared with a dear, sweet, co-worker who, unknowingly, has been a blessing to me this year with her never-ending supply of smiles and good cheer despite some horrible circumstances in her own life...I shared with her briefly about my drive to work. It's nice to have someone at work to talk to in such a personal way (but not too personal, let's not get carried away here!). I haven't had that in awhile. Maybe never. These new co-workers are all just such a blessing to me. But perhaps that's for a different blog.

And then I heard the news. Tragic, horrific, inexplicable, unimaginable news.

And I wept. I walked into my library (thankfully empty of kids) and wept. And sobbed.

I returned something to the cafeteria and hugged and wept with another sweet lady.

Because, you know...

This morning started as any other in Connecticut, too.

On the drive home from work I found myself sobbing in my van once again.

But I was on my way to pick up my kids. I was on my way to receiving their unconditional love.

And as I sobbed, I wondered...

How many parents of those little 6 & 7 year-olds had a morning like mine?

How many parents thought about saying one last thing to their child but didn't? For reasons now that they cannot remember.

How many words were spoken in anger or frustration that now seem so unbelievably irrational and wrong...but can never be corrected through apologies or hugs or kisses?

It sounds cliche, but I did hug my children tighter this evening. Or at least with more intention.

I watched them play and laugh with each other and tried to soak in the moment. I even pulled out the video camera to capture it.

And I cried. Not in front of them. Moments when they weren't looking or I was in a separate room. Tears just appeared.

I cannot begin to fathom what those parents, family members, friends, community members are going through. I can't imagine what kind of pain they are in.

And I really just have no words.

Then I sat down to my computer and saw this blog that someone I knew for a brief time in 2002 wrote.

And I am afforded a sliver of peace.

A bit of hope.

Because God wept today.